10/28

Prayers, petitions, and praises

0 notes

So today I was taking Lola out to go “potty” and was thinking about the process of training her. Whenever Lola does a behavior that we want, we praise and reward her. When (more frequently) Lola does something we don’t want…aka poop/pee on the carpet, rug, bed, shirt, pants, etc…or chewing another of Daddy’s shoes…or…well, you name it!…we rebuke and punish her. We try to infuse grace into even our puppy parenting, so sometimes she receives mercy instead of a spanking…but that’s usually when she’s immediately gone to hide under the bed in puppy-repentance. She’s so sweet, and she really is learning so fast!

So as I’m watching my sweet puppy go “potty” outside I’m thinking about how the Lord disciplines and teaches His children. I imagine it is in a similar way…bestowing peace and joy and comfort, and more so when we are walking in His way in fruitful obedience. Then when we sin, Hebrews tells us that God is merciful to discipline us. And of course there are the inevitable consequences that come with sin, whether it be our own guilt or something much more tangible and damaging.

But then I got to thinking…it sure would be an ingenious and insidious tactic of the enemy to reverse these outcomes. And since the enemy is crafty, and the “father of all lies”, speaking in his “native tongue” when spewing forth venemous lies…I’m thinking that tactic makes a lot of sense. David told me today, “The enemy can’t change reality, but he can attempt to change our perspective of reality.” I think that if I were to obey…and then meet countless hardships and setbacks and tragedies…it might be harder to obey. And then if I ease off the throttle of full-fledged sold-out obedience and get a little lackadaisical and all of a sudden things seemingly got much better and easier and happier, well gee, I may just think that feels better.

And can I be real here? This has happened in my life a lot. Especially in the area of my calling. This past year has been a year of a lot of transition and learning and hardship for me. I have been struggling with depression due to an imbalance in my progesterone levels, and it’s been straight up hellish. But in the midst of that, the Lord has been teaching and growing me SO much. He has confirmed over and over again to me and my community that He is calling me to be a worship leader, songwriter, performer, and equipper of the Body. I. Am. Pumped.

And at every turn, there seems to be a roadblock. A wall. What, Lord? I know that the Lord often sets up roadblocks to guide us into the fullness of what He is calling us to. So what happens when you are hearing one thing and then seeing another? What happens when things that seem so sure and steadfast in prayer look anything but in “real life”?

Well, I will tell you what has happened for me this last year. a week-long Netflix binge in bed, not going to work, not eating, trying to avoid the constant ache that rejection and hope deferred bring with it.

But then every time the Lord so faithfully draws me out of this pit, He just keeps coming back to worship. Giving me dreams and ideas and hopes and lyrics and joy beyond measure at the very thought of walking in the fullness of this calling.

So I jump and skip forward, knocking on doors, thinking that surely something will open since the Lord is speaking so clearly.

I knock.

I wait.

Sometimes nothing happens.

Sometimes the door appears to crack open…so I start to step through…and it SMACKS me in the face. Or at least that’s what it feels like.

So my jumping and skipping turns to limping. But I try to keep moving forward, because my God is leading and I want to follow with everything in me.

But some doors are bigger than others and some wounds cut deeper, some so deep I think I might die. Or at least want to.

I keep fighting…desperately, prayerfully,vehemently…and then sometimes it just seems more than I can bear. I cry out for the Lord to rescue me, but sometimes He feels far off. Sometimes it just hurts. So. Bad.

Can I be honest for a minute? Sometimes I just want to give up. On all of it. Life. But always, ALWAYS my God speaks to me. He reminds me of Who He is and who I am and the glorious and amazing story He is writing in, around, and through me. He reminds me of the cross and redemption. He uses the constant, unwavering gospel-rich devotion of my husband to point me to Him every minute of every day.

So here I am, breathing. Alive. With my heart wide open. Trying desperately to trust His timing, His way, His mercy, His grace. It’s hard. But it’s so worth it. Crying out to Him in my pain has forged a new, deeper, richer kind of intimacy that I wouldn’t trade for anything in this world.

But guys, this is hard.

Pray for me, if you think about it. Pray that God would open doors and equip me and grow me and use me. Pray that I would TRUST Him because golly gee He is trustworthy. Pray that I would walk in freedom from depression. Pray that I would constantly be aware of His tangible presence and believe His voice more than the lies of the enemy. And pray, dear ones, for His glory to shine brighter in me than I could have ever imagined, that everyone I come in contact with would see this Savior Who is so worth it all. Pray for His Kingdom to come and His will to be done. And maybe pray He will just come back, because that would be the coolest thing of all.

Grace and peace.

0 notes

january 12

Lord,

Thank you for what you are doing in me. David saying that this is the firmest foundation I’ve been on in over a year…that’s big. I think I tend to be a little jaded about the good times, because I’m just afraid I’m going to go down again. Like somehow the bed makes the good disingenuous? But it doesn’t, does it? This is reality, and when I’m in the pit I am living contrary to my true reality. Help me to remember that, Lord. I am a child of God, so this…and much more!…is my reality. Abundant life. Thanks, Lord.

Today was good. The sermon at church was 100% fully legit. As was time with Lauren. Thank you for letting her come over here. And thanks for letting me teach her some makeup and hair things and have a good talk with her. I really want to be in her life more. Please help me to set aside more time with her!

I think that scheduling our week was a really good thing for David and I this week. And planning workouts is awesome! And grocery shopping…and social time…it’s just fun. So help us to be more disciplined with all of that, Lord!

Please bless my time with Rachel tomorrow. Please bring light into darkness and truth into lies. Please open doors and break down strongholds. Please help me to be honest with her about the porn and the depression and canceling that session and sex stuff with David. And Larry. Please guide me as to what that conversation is supposed to look like. And when. Also please let me talk to Randy this week if that is in Your will. But Lord, I so just…it burns in me to start worship leading. Show me how and when. And maybe with homegroup!!!!!

And starting a choir with Beautiful Feet would be so fun. And a choir at the Village. AHHH. But I don’t want to get too excited, so let’s move on.

lol

Thanks for time with Shawna today. Please protect her from anxiety and give her Your perfect peace. Please help Allison to get feeling better! Guard her and Brian.

Bless my time with Raquel this weekend! So pumped.

Thanks for letting me spend time with Sam! Please bless it and help me to learn quickly!

Thanks for the relationships you highlighted tonight and helping me to take steps to make connections with Hannah, Jill, and Sam. Please foster awesome relationships with them!

Love you, Lord. Plant my feet on solid ground, and grant me victory over depression. And fear. And self. And pride.

In Jesus’ Name I pray,

Amen.

0 notes

11/14

Lord,
You know where I am at. You know I woke up feeling really anxious. I pray that Your Spirit would give me peace today. God, I pray that You would continue to walk me through this process. Lord, let me just let go of all the things that are keeping me from You. Please let me feel your presence. But more than that, let me be faithful to Your calling…not broadly on my life as much as daily. The Jesus Calling from today about the fog being a protection for me was really encouraging. I’m sorry I rail against this season so much. Please let me be content here. Please let me experience You and learn obedience. Let me learn to “keep [my] focus on [You] and on the path just ahead of [me]”. I think I long for the day that “the fog is no longer necessary” but I know I’m not ready for it. I run ahead or behind or fall over…but I need to learn to keep in step with You. Please teach me. And please make that process sooner rather than later. Please help me to be open and transparent with community, please help me to repent and work through the issues that have so long had a hold of me. Teach me how to uproot. Help me to root my heart in You. Help me to believe again that You are greater than any idol or sin I may be holding on to. You are greater than any dream I could have for the future, and if I elevate any plan or desire above You I’m screwed. Please help me to be obedient and please change my heart. I feel and know more than ever that I can’t do it myself. I can’t help myself or change my heart. Sometimes that makes me feel desperate and depressed, but it’s meant to be freeing, isn’t it? That it’s all on You? And we can just humble ourselves before You and enjoy You and You will do it all on our behalf? Help me to walk in that freedom rather than contriving my own slavery.

Please lay out what is supposed to happen today with the family. I want them to stay here but it is just too much. Please work it out so that I’m not feeling guilty and they can be somewhere and it is ok. Please let the birthday celebration be fun and lifegiving. I repent of the fear I feel about my own emotional instability. Please uphold me.

I pray these things in Jesus’ Name.

Amen

1 note

ok guys.  i have officially completed my first song.  literally surreal.  feel like our awesome #God is all over this…He’s been calling me to #songwriting for years. and i have to tell you…i #love what He is giving me!  Can’t wait to share “Arise” when @chrismclayton and i get it recorded and put on iTunes πŸ˜πŸŽ€πŸŽΌπŸ™πŸ™ŒπŸŽ‰

ok guys. i have officially completed my first song. literally surreal. feel like our awesome #God is all over this…He’s been calling me to #songwriting for years. and i have to tell you…i #love what He is giving me! Can’t wait to share “Arise” when @chrismclayton and i get it recorded and put on iTunes πŸ˜πŸŽ€πŸŽΌπŸ™πŸ™ŒπŸŽ‰

Filed under god songwriting love

0 notes

it’s official, I AM GOING TO RUSSIA in October!  I’ve been hired by RussiaWorship to LEAD WORSHIP and breakout sessions for vocalists!  I am so excited that my first mission trip will be equipping the Russian church to write their own worship music and sing to The Lord with good technique and a heart set on Him!  More information will be coming on how to support…primarily with prayer, hugs, and smiles.  πŸ™ŒπŸ˜

it’s official, I AM GOING TO RUSSIA in October! I’ve been hired by RussiaWorship to LEAD WORSHIP and breakout sessions for vocalists! I am so excited that my first mission trip will be equipping the Russian church to write their own worship music and sing to The Lord with good technique and a heart set on Him! More information will be coming on how to support…primarily with prayer, hugs, and smiles. πŸ™ŒπŸ˜

0 notes

it’s been a difficult season.  but I’m praying the Lord gives me strength to live out this declaration.  i so desire the abundant {life} only found in a life of sold-out obedience to Christ.

it’s been a difficult season. but I’m praying the Lord gives me strength to live out this declaration. i so desire the abundant {life} only found in a life of sold-out obedience to Christ.

0 notes

Trying to journey on